i’m so excited to see my boy on tuesday that i want to cry whenever i think about it.

i don’t have to be a good girl anymore and i can’t tell you how excited i am.

i think it’s been a while since i’ve felt the need to update an old blog no one i know reads anymore about my boy. but i want to tell no one and yet still everyone so this is the way to go.
he told me he loves me. and it took me a while to work out what the fuck was going on but i said it too. and i do. and i’m so happy and so excited.
we fight almost daily now. i think it’s because i haven’t seen him in a while and i hate trying to build something on texts and it’s so easy to misinterpret and lash out. we’re trying to work on it and it’s hard. learning how to fix mistakes you’ve made are a lot easier than fixing moods caused by outside people or events.
i think i get to see him on monday and i’m so excited. i’m excited for him to come here for once rather than me going there. don’t get me wrong, i like going there, it’s like a little country escape and his family are so welcoming and his mother is the warmest and most easy to get along with person i’ve met. i’m excited because we’ll actually be able to leave the house. we can go and get coffee and we can just walk around and be in busy environments that i love most and when we come back home we can have more privacy than there. i don’t know.
i got a message from a friend i really trust telling me things he was saying to one of his other friends. things that, while they were lovely to her, wasn’t very nice to me. he says he didn’t do any of it and was hacked and whatnot and i don’t know what to believe. i guess i’ll have to try and work that out next week. i’m just hoping i don’t fall back into my old patterns of blindly believing anything that i want to believe and getting mucked around because it’s so easy, but at the same time i don’t want to throw him away if it really isn’t true.
i guess i have a lot of thinking to do.

every day it’s harder and harder to tell my mum lies to make her think i’m not getting sick again. and it’s getting hard to not snap at everyone around me. and hard to not fall back into old habits and routines that made me forget, but made me worse at the same time. it’s getting hard to hold onto the friendships that i probably really need and hard to forget the ones i know i don’t. and the one person who was doing me so much good seems to have just faded from the planet.
and i’m too scared to tell anyone. because i’m so scared of not feeling like myself again if i go back on medication and i’m so scared of being forced into more sessions that only made me furious and trapped. i’m all out of idea’s.